Some Good News About Blended Families
Written by: Lisa Cohn
They Spur Members To Grow EmotionallyTatiana Tannenbaum grappled with a classic stepfamily struggle when she moved from Moscow, Russia to Portland, Ore. and married Leb Tannenbaum: Her three new stepsons weren’t very happy to have her in their lives.To earn her stepsons’ acceptance, she cooked Russian meals, which the boys rejected. At times, she spoke English and felt as if no one understood her. It seemed all her efforts to win them over failed, she says.Finally, she realized she had to love herself and accept the fact that her stepsons might never connect with her, she says. Once she embraced this philosophy, she began to empathize with her stepsons’ point of view, she says. “I was able to see what it was like having me in their life. I realized they didn’t always have it easy,” she says.Everyday, people in stepfamilies, like Tannenbaum, learn to grow in ways they never thought possible, experts say.Adults learn to empathize with their stepchildren, keep their anger in check, communicate well with their partners and spend time with ex-spouses they don’t really want in their lives. “Nothing will force growth and maturity like stepcoupling and stepparenting as you go through the adjustment pains and come out the other end,” says Susan Wisdom, co-author of the book Stepcoupling and a licensed professional counselor in Portland.Bill Hays, a stepfather in Corvallis, Ore., experienced some adjustment pains once he became part of a stepfamily. “Early on, I tried to use “sergeant/major” stuff on my two boys and my wife’s kids. My stepson would fall to the floor in tears. I realized I had to slow down and change,” he says. “Men want to be understood and want people to do things their way. I had to learn to back off on that. I told my wife, ‘I have to follow your lead on disciplining and motivating your kids.’ I had to make some big changes,” he says.The desire to change in order to create a successful stepfamily often prompts adults to stretch and find ways to communicate better with each other, adds Joyce Hays, Bill Hays’s wife."Our marriage is much stronger because my husband and I have to be a united front," says Mrs. Hays. read more »
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